Who's Bigger? Which GOP Candidate is Packing and who's Lacking?

The Husband and I have been watching the GOP Debates for quite some time now and we are curious, Who's Bigger?

Rick Perry:
We believe, based off his general character, mannerisms and stance, Rick Perry clearly is average, and I think he's OK with that.

Rick Santorum:
I personally think, and until I am proved wrong, my pinky is bigger than Santorum's Prick.  Why do I say this you may ask?  Have you seen his wife's face? No woman with a constant frown like her's is satisfied in the bedroom...just saying.

Mit Romney:
I think it's pretty safe to say that with 5 children and one very happy looking wife...It could be the millions of dollars her husband is worth too...but I think Mit Romney is probably packing.  Is he the Biggest?  I'm not sure.

Newt Gingrich:
It would be nice of me to say he is average...I think I passed the point of nice when I opened Adobe Illustrator...but let's be honest he probably hasn't seen it in years...did you know that for every 30 pounds of weight you loose you gain an inch?  Maybe if he doesn't become president he can be the next spokesman for Weight Watchers...have you seen what they've done for Jennifer Hudson? Maybe, the better question is, what did they do with the rest of Jennifer Hudson?

Ron Paul: 
He's a crotchety old man that pronounces words a little funny and he has some very big age spotted hands and just in general doesn't seam to give a damn...I would say that he might win this cock fight.

Now, if Herman Cain was still in the race it's probably a good assumption that he would have been the winner of this race, I mean how many mistresses and sexual harassment claims were brought up against him?  I always wondered how he came up with the 9,9,9 plan...

My results are assumed and until the mistresses start speaking out and "accidentally" sending their photo's to TMZ or other such news organization I don't think we will ever know.

Watch Your Drink,

The Stepford Husband 

Mr. Bachmann GAY? I Need a moment to fix my Gaydar!

The Husband and I were watching Fox News last night, the Iowa Caucus was on and it was quite an interesting showdown between all of them, all five hours of it. It really reaffirms my opinion that we need to fix our education system...because those bitches can't count!

But the interesting part of it wasn't who won but who wasn't even in the race...namely Marcus Bachmann, AKA Mr. Michele Bachmann.  Now, he definitely has a portly cherub sort of look to him, and while Michele was talking about marriage between one man and one woman, I looked over at Mr. Michele Bachmann and my Gaydar Spiked!  You all know what I'm talking about...

I looked over at The Husband and I said, "He is so gay!"

The Husband responded, "Totally, and it looks like he has herpes on his lip...Michele was probably back stage yelling at him, I told you not to suck that dick now look at you, and I have to go up on stage in five minutes!"

Me being the Google master, I hoped on my I phone and I started typing Mr. Bachm...second suggested search term was Mr. Bachmann Gay!!! Ding Dong the gaydar just started playing "It's Raining Men!"

As I am looking through the search results, I see one article mentioning Cher...Yes, Ladies and Gents The Cher...was watching him one night and started a twitter chatter about how she thought he was so gay, soon sequined and feather bedazzled Cher fans the world over were organizing and spreading the news that The Cher just outed Mr. Michele Bachmann...let's face it, if The Cher doesn't have a highly tuned Gaydar, I don't know who would!

No investigatory mission would be complete without video evidence, so I found this video.  Now, I recommend closing your eyes and listening...just listening, I think you will find that you hear little tiny Prada, Gucci, Fendi, and Louis Vuitton purses falling on the floor with each lisping, high pitched gay squeak!

Watch Your Drink,

The Stepford Husband

P.S. Did anyone else notice Rick Perry's extremely cross-eyed daughter?

Rick Perry..."I'm A godless heathen and I approve this message."

Watch this funny little video I found on Facebook.

Watch Your Drink,

The Stepford Husband

Power Outages and GOP Debates

Well first off, I married a Republican...Well, a moderate conservative...whatever that means, his words not mine...The Husband just called me an asshole, he calls everyone an asshole. Anyway, I would describe myself as a Conservative Democrat, though I am embarrassed of the democrats right now, but some things can't be helped.

So three weeks ago when CNN had their Republican debate we had the DVR all set up, the show comes on and it's recording and everything is fine, it was a beautiful day in San Francisco...meaning the weather was shitty as always...I had just started making Chili, my mother's recipe, with a few additions on the recommendation of Guy Fieri I have the meat cooking...I have a cocktail, The Husband is on his way home, everything is good.

I'm watching the show and Perry starts ripping on Romney because he apparently hired an illegal alien, I'm like, "Oh girl, no he didn't" because then he wouldn't let Romney reply...I'm thinking to myself, maybe I should make a bowl of popcorn, because this is better then those screaming bitches on The View.  The Husband comes in and I'm like, "ooo, ooo, ooo you have to see this!"  I rewind the DVR, The Husband is all excited, He's like, "OMG." I'm like, "I know!"

Lights flicker....power outage...The Husband screaming at the blank TV...."NO! YOU ASSHOLE!"

Lights Flicker back on...but their supper dim, the TV won't turn on...The Husband is fiddling with the remote, then touching the power button on the TV. Looks at me, "It won't work...make it work! You always make everything work."  It's true.  I fiddle with the power cable, nothing happens.

The Husband is looking all sad and says, "If the TV is fried I am going to be pissed." 

Me, "No it's not fried it is probably just on the backup generator." I leave it alone confident the power will come back on fully soon...plus is replays again at 10PM.

I am walking back to the kitchen and WOOOSH!  Light's go out...The Husband screams, "DAMMMMIIITT!" The lights are not coming back on...

Now you should always prepare an emergency kit, they are always good to have in case of any emergency...However, if you are not prepared with an emergency kit, know a gay.  We have a full liquor cabinet, probably have something cooking and or a great cheese spread...but most importantly, if there is a power outage we have more candles than a Yankee Candle store. 

I am going around with my 100 count bag of tea lights and filling up the holders on the fireplace, the ones under the Kinkade, the hanging Turkish Lanterns, the long wall sconce, the sconces in the bathroom...then I start lighting the pillar candles on the table, the pillar candle in the bathroom, the pillar candle in the bedroom, then the pillar candle by the TV...I stop to refill the butane in the lighter...I just made that last part up...but you get my picture.

I put the lighter down and look at The Husband wrapped in a blanket on the couch and he's all sad, I lean over and look at him and give him a kiss and say isn't this romantic?  Hell, by the time I finished lighting all the candles it looked like the lights were still on!

I go into the kitchen and continue to work on the chili. I am tasting it and adding more spices, I'm about to add some pepper and I was totally about to pour it directly in and then I put my hand out...thank god because I opened the wrong end and got a handful of pepper!!!! I would have been so pissed...I grabbed a pillar candle and pulled it closer, then took a sip of my cocktail.

I look over and The Husband is calling the electric company. They say the power will be restored around midnight...he screams...now he's really mad.

Ten minutes go by and then WOOOSH!  The power is on!

I say, "I told you!"  The Husband immediately starts recording the debate...I chuckled and served dinner...it was fabulous.

Watch Your Drink,

The Stepford Husband